If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
–Romans 12:18
Forgiveness is an important issue. Bitterness is a toxin, a deadly poison that not only destroys us, but it destroys everyone around us. That is why the writer of Hebrews warned in Hebrews 12:15, “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many are defiled.”
Sooner or later in your life, somebody is going to hurt you deeply. The most important choice you make in life is whether to trust in Christ as Savior, but perhaps the second most important choice you make in life is what you do when somebody wrongs you. Do you hold on to that offense? Do you continue to turn it over in your mind until that hurt metastasizes into a tumor of bitterness? Or do you choose to let go of that offense? That is what the word “forgive” literally means: to let go off an offense. Outside of receiving God’s forgiveness for our own sins, the most important choice we make in life is whether to forgive those who have wronged us.
The most pervasive myth about forgiveness is this: we can only forgive those who are willing to ask for forgiveness. The problem with that is if you make forgiveness dependent upon what another person does or does not do, you remain a prisoner of bitterness until they choose to ask. When you refuse to forgive, you hold on to resentment. The word “resent” means “to feel again.” And that is exactly what happens when you do not let go of an offense–you experience that hurt over and over again.
Forgiveness is unconditional, but reconciliation has to be earned by the person who has wronged you. Forgiveness has no strings attached to it; reconciliation has a number of strings attached to it. In Romans 12:18, Paul said, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” Sometimes being in unity with those who have wronged you depends upon them as well. Reconciliation demands repentance.
In Amos 3:3, the prophet said, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” (NLT). The nation of Israel was continuing to sin, but they refused to admit their sin. The prophet was saying, “If Israel and God cannot agree about Israel’s sin, then they cannot have fellowship.” It is the same way in your relationship with somebody who has wronged you. If that person is unwilling to admit they have hurt you, it is going to break fellowship. You can forgive them, but you cannot be reconciled to them.
Do not confuse revenge with restitution. Revenge is my desire to see my offender suffer, but restitution is what my offender wants to do to make repayment for what he has done. If you are going to be reconciled to somebody, sometimes they have to be willing to make restitution.
Reconciliation demands rebuilding trust. And that takes time, especially after a deep hurt. All the offender can do is request forgiveness and give the one he has hurt time to heal.
Understand that forgiveness depends upon me, but reconciliation depends upon two. Reconciliation is not always possible, but it is always preferable. Forgiveness (offended) + Repentance (offender) = Reconciliation (restored relationship)
