Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
Leviticus 19:17 “You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him.
Proverbs 25:9-10 Argue your case with your neighbor himself, and do not reveal another’s secret, lest he who hears you bring shame upon you, and your ill repute have no end.
1 Timothy 5:19 Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses.
3 John 1:9-10 I have written something to the church, but Diotrephes, who likes to put himself first, does not acknowledge our authority. So if I come, I will bring up what he is doing, talking wicked nonsense against us. And not content with that, he refuses to welcome the brothers, and also stops those who want to and puts them out of the church.
Romans 16:17-18 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.
It is essential that we go to the offending brother first – not griping and gossiping to others, especially under the guise of sharing a prayer request or seeking counsel. Instead, speak to the party directly. It would be wrong for anyone to take Jesus’ word here as a command to confront your brother with every sin they commit against you. The Bible says we should bear with one another and be long-suffering towards each other. Yet clearly, there are some things that we cannot suffer long with and must address. We can say that Jesus gives us two options when your brother sins against you. You can go to him directly and deal with it; or you can drop the matter under Christian long-suffering and bearing with one another. Other options – holding onto bitterness, retaliation, gossiping to others about the problem – are not allowed.
If go to the seemingly offending brother/sister and they listen, you have gained him in two ways. First, the problem has been cleared up. Perhaps you realized that he was right in some ways and he realized you were right in some ways, but the problem is resolved. Second, you have gained him because you have not wronged your brother by going to others with gossip and half the side of a dispute.
I have seen and witnessed “Christian” people who go to their brother/sister with an issue and have discussions about an issue or disagreement. It is kept between them. There is no gossip, bitterness, retaliation, or behind-the-scenes whispering seeds of discord, division, and disunity. The matter is resolved. The two may not be in agreement but they have both listened and allow for unity and brotherly love to rule the day. Why? It honors and glorifies Jesus Christ.
I have also seen the results of “Christian” people who back-bite, gossip, whisper behind the scenes, cause division, and destroy unity within the church. They have allowed seeds of Satan to fill their heart and minds with ungodly righteousness. They do what is wrong and think it right. In their own pride, they allow thoughts about a person to gain root and grow in their minds. They do not follow Scripture and go speak to the person. No, they gossip to others and seek out others who will be swayed by their twisted thoughts.
Could you imagine if God treated us like we treat others and never address an issue between Him and us, but rather He cast judgment and turned His face from us, leaving us unaware of what we have done wrong? What would you think if He gossiped of your sin to others and got them to turn away from, but never spoke to you about it? Why do some think it is right to do this very same thing to others? Why do we even listen to gossip from a brother or sister in Christ? Why do we not call it out for what it is?
The more I live and the more I hear and the more I see, it is the lack of God’s Word applied in a person’s life that causes them to exalt themselves and gossip and degrade others. They may have good biblical knowledge but understanding and wisdom and Holy Spirit application in their life it is not. They easily lead others into the sin of disunity. In their self-righteousness, they speak boldly when, in fact, they should pray and seek Godly wisdom and direction and be quiet before the Lord. Whoever stirs up disunity and discord within a church is not following after God or honoring and glorifying Jesus Christ.
I do know that if you hear gossip and you ask that person if they have directly spoken to the other person the answer is always no. They just don’t feel right about doing that but they feel right in causing disunity. These gossipers and causers of disunity will always find others who will listen and be easily swayed by their thoughts. Their focus is not on honoring and glorifying Jesus Christ in all they think, say, and do.
We do well to examine our own hearts and motives. We do well to seek Holy Spirit leading, wisdom, and understanding. We do well to seek Holy Spirit discernment. We do well to be quiet before God and allow Him to speak into our hearts and minds. Yes, we do well to be quiet and listen.